In my Head S01E01 | AyeshaDiaries

Our relationship is so intense, I could nearly die. It’s weird. We just hugged each other so hard and tight as if we wanted to get inside each other’s soul and the bodies were just obstructing us. Not how you usually picture adults, right? It’s crazy. You know you’re breaking each other but you’re stubborn like kids. Why would you want to lock someone so bad? I wonder if I ever damaged him this bad! But, boy, he does love him some damage! He’s into all that. I don’t even know what’s normal anymore.

Everything stops. The extent of peace, just cannot be imagined. For a second, you could feel the souls touch. You want to protect him. Shelter him. Just give him all the love there is. The connect is surreal. And, you pay a price. I’m not even kidding. My neck hurts so bad I just can’t move. The neck muscles are literally screeching for help. My head hurts. I am PMSing but he snaps at me. The moment he says, “We will only talk work”, that lump in my heart just grows. Every single time. Bigger and bigger. Saying that at my apartment door while leaving only makes me cringe more. The tall man with hefty shoulders in that black leather jacket, just knows how to spoil every moment after. Just wait for it to happen. And, he will spoil it for you. It’s ALWAYS your fault. The apartment door slams shut. One after the other. The elevator thuds. I keep staring at him in disbelief that he didn’t honour my little plea of lifting me. Just like in the movies. The doors open and shut. Each sound a slap on my face. He doesn’t care.

‘O, what had I told you?…eh? Forgot? Again?
You know it’s gonna do that taunt tone on you. Damn you, inner voice.
‘Convenient, indeed! Girl, you need to cut him off. Okay?…Okay??’
I definitely don’t know a word called self-respect anymore. I slapped myself hard. Real hard. No. For real. I was shouting at him to slap me right across my face in the middle of the street today. Now when I look back, can’t believe all of that even happened. What else can you punish yourself with for being such a fool? I was wearing my glasses. So, I could read what the chat said. He was right next to me.
Video chat?
Can be fun.
Im feeling a little naughty now.
He replies “I’ll”.
And, then “Wait.”
I snatched and typed “I am with my girlfriend”. She replied “Ok”.
I did confront today. The banter that followed involved him googling the meaning of “naughty”.
“You’re not a child, for god’s sake! Look it up on urban dictionary!”
“We’ll find out who’s right. Right now.”
Of course we will.
“You’re a grown 30 something man. Who do you think you’re fooling by saying you don’t know what this random stranger on facebook meant? Everrrrry man on planet earth knows what it means!”
“What does it mean?”
I give him my seriously? face, “Video call her right now”
She did not pick up. Quick came the reply. “U Alone?”
The entire bus was staring at us. “You don’t snatch my phone like that. You haven’t paid for it”. He was howling so loud, everyone was ears.
We get down, teary eyed me and confused he.
“Oh, I’ve fans. I thought it was a normal one. I’d have –”
“You’d have video called her for –”
“I’d have asked her what it was about”
“Oh, really! And, you want me to believe you! What’s there to ask! She is going to strip. Or whatever. To seduce you. And, you SAID ‘I’ll’! It’s not what she said but you said you’ll”
“That doesn’t mean I’ll video call and –”
“That’s exactly what it means! I know you don’t know English but…‘Are you an idiot?’ ‘Yes.’ “Yes”, here means, ‘Yes, I’m an idiot’. One word replies agree to the statement above. If she raped you tomorrow, you clearly gave some consent!”
“What? A man’s no never means a no?”
“I said if she rapes you, of course you can say that you did not have consent later, but at this point? At this chat? This chat has your goddman consent!”
“Random strangers keep texting all the time. Your fans must be texting you too. You must be also replying…”
“No! I don’t!”
“That’s your problem, you don’t want to build your audience. See, I don’t even know who she is. She just texted me today, hi…”
“You talk of all the stuff about saving your energy, spirituality and then….”
“Just because I was wearing my glasses….”
“You can’t see without your glasses?”
“This is dangerous…”, he laughs, “So, you might just be wearing contacts one day and if I thought you can’t see…”
I stare at him so hard.
“If someone told you he doesn’t know porn, would you believe him? No, if someone said he doesn’t know if he has a dick, would you believe him, eh??”
“Exactly! You just cannot NOT know this!”
“I’m only concentrated on work and where we’re going right now”
“That’s the biggest hurt. It’s not so much about a man pretending to be a woman or a woman wanting a naughty video call with you, but you even getting the time to answer! So, you responded while you were doing all those things!”
“We didn’t have sex”
“Whatever was so pure and spiritual, you lying makes ALL OF IT, all of it a big fat lie. I’m just making a fool of myself”
“Come on, have some tea. No one’s making a fool of you”
“Do whatever, but don’t break my trust”
“Did you navigate? How much longer do we keep walking?”
“600m. You know I’m PMSing, my –”
“What’s PMS?”
“For god’s sake, we just heard that on radio today, together…Pre Menstrual Syndrome. Our hormones are all over the place. We are bound to feel more. Our senses are heightened. It’s very normal to be emotional….” I look at him nodding like, ‘Oh-That-Explains-It’. “But, that doesn’t change a thing! I would have still said the same thing even if I wasn’t PMSing! You can’t….”
“More walking?”
“As if we’ve an option!”
I’d slapped myself real hard the very first day I met him. Things were so different then. He was so into me. He just couldn’t stop flirting. He would narrate every single romantic dialogue looking into my eyes, nearly drowning in them with love. Of course I’ve a PhD in seeing through pretence. I should be the last girl to fall prey to it. I know men don’t mean it. Always been super judged for never believing men and their sweet nothings. When the valentine guy had said, “I love you”! I’d said, “Thank you”. Yes. I didn’t reciprocate the feeling even after two months of seeing him. And, that had been our deal. To say it when it happens. I really didn’t think he meant it. But, boy, he drove so rash after that in anger, heartbroken. I did believe him later when he still loved me after years. I owe him that. A belief. Is it too much to ask for?But the more older you get, the more protective of yourself you are. Cautious. You know where it’s going. It’s just a means of protecting my little baby heart already dangling from the sleeve. But there’s no point comparing his 200 roses with zero from this man.
It would have been easy to believe, Okhay, this man claims to have been hurt and since then, loves no woman. Exactly. The cliche sad story of all times. But, when we finally settle to believe ‘Ok. He does not love you’, that’s when he goes, “Oh, what the hell was I doing in the hospital, then, huh?”
Well, to be fair, he did a lot. A lot. For three days. More than anyone can do for anyone. And even if he was clearing his conscience, through penance, he did a lot for me. I could never do that. I am extremely grateful and aware. Di says let something happy be till it is there. Everything is not meant for forever. Is it always important to cut-off, to not be taken for granted and prove a point only for thy pride? In this day and age of social media, how can one suddenly have those five days off like Anastasia Steel? Grey is going to call you. And blame you for not answering some work related call. It’s impossible to make someone miss the omnipresent.
I’ve been strong today. No call. No text. The pigeons made a nest. He didn’t help clear it and I now, I bear the karmic trauma. Is it really too late? I now see how people are always scared to leave a long long omnipresent job for the search of a new one. When you don’t even know what the new holds. Is it worse? Oh, damn, there rings the….

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