What you should know about selfies

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Ok. Let me...let me break this to you.
He went on that date by just seeing selfies.
Wait.What? (Laugh)

Types of selfie takers

The selfie trend lovers.

Oh.boy...! Okkkkk.....ayyyy....Lemme...lemme break this to you. Selfies, are the best pictures in the world. They show only the best of that person. And those that don't, get deleted.Ok. Even the sans make up selfies make it to the dp only because it shows that you are cool. Thaaat  you don't care. And shows some cool angle of your personality. Or maybe that eye that is not even visible under loads of mascara. 
That you would otherwise never see in real life...!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a duck when you search for a duck?

It's like duck face no longer belongs to the duck!
Or that I had a duck face..
Or maybe a fish face?
+Doveranalyst: That's a fish pout. Do you have any idea how tough it is to google for the real fish? Like you search fish and you get fish? Like, real fish face, eh. All you see is humans crowding up for the word search of "fish"
Bachpan me we used to do fish face. It's bad to blame ducks. Fish pouts way more.
Wait, isn't that a bird?
When we cross our lips in that crooked way, wasn't it supposed to be a bird's pointed beak?

2. The moment catchers (read makers). 

These selfie-takers actually spot an opportunity for a selfie. (well, that would be anything). And then, if the object has passed or the thing is over, they will do anything to recreate it.
Something like this happened.
Hey, look at that puppy. He's cute. Here, grab the phone. Get set.
(How many more seconds to hold?)
So, it's not like you saw someone going aww over a puppy and that pic was just taken.
Ok.take 2971...
It's all show business, love.
It's actually time rewind. Not the way, asus understands it. I mean, for real. 

3. Groupfie

If selfie is khud ki lena, groupfie is...well... Ek insaan sabki aur khudki lena...It's like agar main dooba, to main sabko saath le duboonga..
Hey, you take.
You. You.
No, no tilt  it.! I'm not coming!!
It's  like that Hera Pheri shot, you know.
Some get in from left side, then some fall out of the right, some get in from right, then left side..Oopsie toopsie...
Only that a wide angle lens is not an ambassador, so here you can also fall out from top or bottom. I mean if you are too short (even after standing on that table,) or if you are meat....I mean the meat in the sandwich..No. we can't see you amongst your buns and bread and lettuce. Where are you?
Are you alive?
Or if you are too tall and trying to capture everyone you realise that you are out of the frame. Or have the silliest of expression.
Such a horrible picture and you know everyone is gonna post it everywhere. 
P.S: Every groupfie member has a right over the picture. WHETHER or not you are looking stupendously fat in it. 
Moral of the story..?
Choose wisely. Live well. LG.

4. The risk takers

Don't make wedding anniversary, the death anniversary.

No matter how huge the selfie stick, remember length matters. But brain— matters more. Which you don't have. So buy one of that too. So selfies are the in thing, ok? But if you can't do it, have multiple cameras around. So while you are trying to take a selfie, someone else is actually taking the picture.
Warning: never take a groupfie in dangerous locations other than weddings. Not near that mandap fire, you idiot!

5. Selfie fakers. I said Fakers. F.a.k.E.r.s 

Sometimes, it's real hard to figure out, but, look for that hand. If you don't find it and if everyone else is staring at that handinstead of the camera, know that a selfie ATTEMPT was captured. Not the real selfie. That's how you fake a selfie.
Because maybe the cam quality was so bad, everyone decided to personally destroy that picture. By flushing it out. Like Jab we met...
Oh. That was your phone?
Now it must be in some river in India. What's our closest river where our sewage goes?
You didn't have insurance?
So selfie fakers, do not hastag selfie when we can clearly see a traditional way of taking a photo, by making someone else do the labour. Your arm ain't aching. I can't see that strain on your face.
You think I don't know? (Indian English)
Ahiya. Ahiya.ahiya.
That's how goofy used to laugh when I was a child.

6. The zohri

They exactly know from which little ANGLE they look the BEST. And, they capture only that portion.
And even THE WORST PICTURE is carefully in Black and white so that you don't see the dark circles. Or sepia.
It makes you discover sides of people's bodies,..uh...I mean faces.
Aaiila...Ranbir Kapoor! Abeyy! Varun Dhawan hai ye to..!
Only in that 36 degree N 146 degree south and nicely cropped in a tangential angled selfie to look like a star. Come, on everyone has eyes. And ears. And nose?
Which is why when you see this social media hit Varun Dhawan, real guy in real life, you are like...
Oh.wait. palat! Thoda left le...thoda north wala left. Slight right..halku wala left..Han, ab lagrela hai tu ranbir kapoor.
Reality just KICKS you in the face. Because you realise what you have been missing out in life! You have been missing out on so many aspects of a person! That you would never see otherwise! Like, I never knew my eyes were brown.
E.N.o.u.g.h of animal.planet.

7. The editors

They would put in zillions of effects and colors and emoticons and vectors and text and everything on to the already beautification mode selfie.
So the point is there are apps. You know apps? Heard of android? IPhones? Ok. You must have heard of laptops. Now? C'mon! (Angry!)
So, there are software or apps to Photoshop. Lol. I mean edit......all the crap you don't want. People like me are too lazy. So they post as is. But others— my dear friend— others..are diligent, meticulous.

8. The selfie maniac viral cravers

Even the photo bombs are planned.

Photobomb for photobomb?
Photobomb for photobomb? It's really viral, yar..
So, we are taking this selfie kissing. Right here. Ok. So, you take a count of 5..
Yes, 5. So, we wouldn't have actually kissed. Aur tabhich entry...thik na..
So, you come on EXACCCTTTLY when we are about to kiss. Ok
Aey insta k video pe daaley kya? Vine?
Gif banate hai.Gif
Hey, I never understood why I don't call it g.i.f.
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