Alia, Can you hear me?

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Jio Mami Mumbai film festival 2015, Oct 31 was one hell of a day, man. 'Alia, can you hear me?' is going to be the next big joke chain in whatsapp, Twitter and everywhere.

Alia Bhatt, to everyone's surprise went to the extent of constantly interrupting Arjun Kapoor whenever he spoke, saying that she thought the mic was not proper. To which Kapoor gave an amusing reply, "So, you are trying to say that all this while they haven't heard a thing? You mean,...we have been speaking and they haven't heard a thing? We should probably start from the start then!"

Jeez. Seriously? Well, Alia didn't stop at that. Even later in mid sentence, she would go "Hello, hello?" whenever Kapoor was trying to speak. The entire audience would stare at her. I was not able to face my friend next to me, whom I'd told earlier that Alia is not dumb. She's doing better now.

One should learn how to make the worst the best joke from Kapoor. So, every time poor Arjun went on to say something, he would start, "Alia, can you hear me?"

As if Alia had not made enough blunders in the session, she also told Arjun, "Don't be hard"

And she was the one telling him one should be careful of what one says in the media.

There were many lovely moments. But forgive me for being a normal human. (Or my attempts to be one). No one can have arguments on some basics. Like, Deepika Padukone was the most looked forward to session and proved to be the most boring one. So much so that the lady realized it herself. The movie mela could have so done without her. Don't get me wrong. I really was looking forward to it with a good heart. Hoping she would say something nice. Funniest part was when she herself realized it's getting so boring and asked us. Of course, we yelled YES.

That is the absolute difference with Arjun Kapoor. He is the absolute opposite of Padukone. He is as frank and fun as Ranveer Singh. We absolutely agree with him when he said social media followers or retweets can't always tell you who all actually went to the theatres and thus mean box office success. In the discussion that Rajeev Masand and Anu had with the young lot discussing the future in the next five years in Bollywood, lot of interesting things happened. I strongly agree with the person's personality being different from the characters they play. And we love Arjun Kapoor on his way to be like Ranveer Singh. Both these men are such fun when they talk directly to us. And just be normal without having a guard on all the time, you know. Something that Padukone is not.

For every question, if you go round about saying ' I don't know', I wonder who won't move out. There's a limit on being diplomatic. And most of us sat through thinking we want to attend Parineeti, Arjun, Ayushman Khuranna n all which was being held later in the same stage 3. But just imagine that we couldn't sit through along with a huge crowd that was there for Padukone. She won't give away a single word. Boring. That's the word.

As an absolute surprise, the fun lot was also scarred with a boring Kriti (I didn't even know who she is). And to imagine that she was a replacement for Ranveer Singh who would have been there in the panel! She has never gone beyond talking about kissing in a chat. Can you believe that? Of course you don't. I wonder who she thought would believe her. A lot of things went wrong. The AV of Ranveer Singh for Deepika was his live self. But as Arjun Kapoor aptly pointed out, his AV for the young crowd was as if someone had held a gun on his head. He's never seemed so dull, giving out lines that he doesn't mean at all, at any event in his life. It seemed so fake. 

But luckily unlike the hostess who conducted the show for Zoya Akhtar, (which was getting so unrealistic that even the audience had started speaking), Rajeev and Anu were great fun. They had the ' I have Never/ I have' session stolen from Ellen, as they put it, bring life to the game. It's a game where the young stars raise the card to situations like, if they have ever been drunk and forgotten everything that happened, if they have had police cases,sexted someone, taken critique seriously or had a mile high. They have either done it or never done it. 

Like Arjun, Ayushmann Khurrana had some real witty one liners and Aditya Roy Kapoor's honest confession impressed me. He literally admitted he has no work now and does nothing. And when the ' I have never' session began and Aditya Roy Kapoor said he's been to nude beaches and also been drunk to forget and also been involved in police case, Ayushmann made the remark, "Now, we know what he does when he says, he's doing nothing". Lol. 

Aditya was giving out a lot and the other joke was how he only gets movies that show him as die hard alcoholic. Going by only looks, I don't see how Aditya can be that hot, given that Ayushmann was also there, but young girls were going crazy about Aditya. And Ayushmann mentioned how his trainer tells him, "Ap eight packs abs bana kar kya karoge? Filmein to apko aisi milti nahi hain!"

As Parineeti challenged that their questions were not very saucy, they added the extra question of Mile high. Many people didn't know what it meant. And thus began the hilarious session of the enlightened enlightening the ignorant ones sitting next to them. And to everyone's aid came Alia, trying to teach everyone in the dumbest possible way. Don't get me wrong, she literally began," It's know, when a husband and wife, ..or a boyfriend or girlfriend..."

Arjun Kapoor obviously stopped her, "Seriously..Husband wife?"

Alia defended herself saying, "Yes, I was about to say, like a Boy and a girl.."

As we all roared with laughter, Arjun Kapoor saved us and raised my respect for him as a person.
" It's when you have sex on a plane."
Why can't people be just plain and simply direct like him instead of making a complete fool of oneself?

 And Kapoor seemed most fun, when he said he's gone up till kissing.  He had also clucked a selfie and tweeted in between which Ayushmann pointed out. Talk about social media on their times.

As if she had not done enough already, showing her seemingly not so good moments with Arjun and Parineeti, constantly on a tension, she forced Parineeti down at an txt remedy uncomfortable position as you see in this pic. That won't make you taller, Alia. It just won't. I'm surprised how gracefully Parineeti took it. 

Don't even get me started about the Zoya session. The lady who conducted the session was as horrible as saying that Zpya makes movies about the rich. To which the smart Zoya says, "You referred to two of my movies as movies of the rich. Why then don't you refer Luck By Chance as a 'middle-class' movie?

She even went on a long speech trying to hint that Zoya can't make movies on anything but the rich economic class because that's what she's seen in her life. I have never in my life come across an anchor like that. Who does that? Isn't the golden rule, to make the guest speak the most? 
Well, to save us all in the audience Xoya was really witty and was finally losing her patience. I'm glad she did. We all wanted to give her a piece of our mind. Maybe she was having a bad day. But really?

Zoya said, " Are you trying to tell me that I cannot make a movie on Jodha Akbar without even being in that life ever. Of course there's research. I will make movies on anything that moves me."

Ironically she obviously spoke about her being a casting director in the past and how she identified with the emotional break downs of the strugglers. So, that one lady, she's done for real. Zoya, also spoke of letters that they write to people who couldn't make it on how they appreciated their time. One had got back to her crying and thanking for the gesture as no one even cares to do that.

The blasphemous questions of the interviewer hadn't ended. She went on to say that 'Dil Chahta hai' was the first in Indian Cinema where rich could just get into a car and go Goa without being unapologetic about being rich. Yes, I know what you are thinking. Yes, she actually said that. Zoya obviously countered back and how. 'Are you trying to tell me that Karan Johar is apologetic about showing his characters rich in his movies? Is Sooraj Barjatya apologetic just because he shows a Karwachaut?

The audience was literally clapping and Oooooing to cheer Zoya's fight back. I can't tell you what the mood of the session had become. At points, we were literally so loud enough that I'm sure heard it. 'Seriously? Woman? You know nothing about movies!'

How can someone call 'Dil Chahta hai' a rich film? Firstly, economic classes are not a criteria of a movie when we are here to discuss a movie from a directorial perspective.
Obviously when the Q&A started there were many rebels who spoke up. 'Zoya, I'm  a middle class we,am and I really identified with the characters in Dil Dhadkne Do. It moved me'. There were so many saying that. It was as if a war had begun and the entire audience was on Zoya's side. Obviously. 

Zoya also told the anchor, 'Are you trying to tell me that just because someone is rich she should not feel bad about her husband having an affair?' I forget now, but she mentioned about a lady interviewing earlier who wore two solitaires and she had asked her if she won't feel bad because she has diamonds. It doesn't work that way. 

We were all taken aback at the crap the hostess was saying. She mentioned she couldn't take the clip she wanted from the movie. It's easy. Just ask anyone to cut it for you.

According to her obviously Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara was not about letting go of grudges and monotony and for once, really just enjoying and fulfilling sort of a bucket list of adventures, but of purse about being rich.

I wonder what she would say about Student of the Year or even Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam. Middle class movies?

It was real fun when Zoya fought back to all her idiosyncrasies, though. 

Take away from Rishi Kapoor's session was how he learnt humility abroad seeing stars go back in a Ford while he as a viewer had driven in a Rolls Royce. Also, not to wear shades at night in an airport. The face is beautiful. It should be shown. He was an absolute joy to watch an an unbelievably interesting personality.

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